I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize