my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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