What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
