if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
