if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
