I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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