My cat gives me a boner
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
