I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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