Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
