You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
