I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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