Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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