I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this just has baby written all over it
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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