Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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