i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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