A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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