Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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