I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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