I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
