Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
