Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
there is glitter all over my balls
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
