i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
