Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
