News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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