I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
