my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize