I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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