My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
