She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
