ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
