So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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