So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
