and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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