I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
there was a trapeze. enough said
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
