I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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