I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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