I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
