Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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