Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
