i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
