Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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