Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
