when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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