Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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