I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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