The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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