Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize