Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
