you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
