Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
