i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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