Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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