he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
