Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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