he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
