My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
