best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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